My dogs are chilling. BJG is on the loo. I have to go do an errand. I smoked weed this morning so now I am sleepy. Khenpo junior, you have NO CALLING to a lay woman life. Stick to the robe. Khenpo senior loved his monk life. Talk to him junior. He will refire your one true dhamma calling: be a third sex in tibetan buddhism. Time to be super brave, Junior. Use your calling to be completley fearless and free. 

Lucy Maud Mongtgomery, one of her deep aspirations, was to try life as a religious nun for all her life. Thats why the terrible lonely life of Judy Garland and the terrifying crazy wisdom of lilou's life: to get ready for it. God has  a plan for us all, Junior. I know you are fearful now Junior. And depressed at the jaguar rebirth being so tough although you truly fulfilled your vow after the massacre. But rememeber: God NEVER ever disapppoints. And he does not like to make us suffer meaninglessly, unlike fascists. I cannot know what or why it is so tough for you Junior in the next two lives (this one and the jaguar life). God has a plan. Didn't you ask him something huge, while talking to buddha the ohter day? He listened and you will get it. But first, you need huge merit. In a world of suffering. Judy had also asked for a life of doing nothing. Lilou wasexactly that, Khenpo. Doing nothing.