Last night, as I was thinking and praying, I realized something that dawn on me- all my anger in 2016-2019 was mostly due to hardcore selfishness. It was going bad with hubby but that is no reason to start insulting everyone like I did. Anyone who had dumped me in my life got a mouthful of what I thought of them. I insulted ALL of them. Why? Because they had dumped me when I needed them. Now, that is not normal, people. And that is what I am figuring out: I was just complaining I was not loved and cared for enough by people I cared about. It was utterly selfish however I hurt at the time. Everyone is free and not being given enough attention is no reason to insult people who were or had been part of my life at some point. In a way, it was a sort of teenager anger at being and feeling alone and treated poorly with indifferenece by people. But I was a mature grown woman! I was utterly selfish and never could consider their feelings after that. I was mean without meaning to, I was hurt and I was angry. But how immature! It was hard because none of my three so called best friends ever encouraged me in my writing and none of them bought a book. I told them off for being indifferent and not  caring when my life was pretty hard with Brian (I told no one at the time except my rants on tumblr). The truth is, those so called best friends were from my youth and did not care anymore. I was very sad about it when I realized it. I left them, totally undignified, and angry.