...are my only spiritual goals this time around. I sometimes have glimpses of it, and it encourages me on my path. I am fairly selfish: it comes from my life and early on education. I was fairly horrible in my social manners all my life, but especially after 30 years old. I became bluntly honest and said everything I thought, even the not so nice stuff I had not proofs about. That is wrong of course. Vive la liberte d'expression mais c'est mauvais quand ca affecte le bonheur des autres. 

I really found it hard to not have a career and to never be in a position to save or help other people...ah ah ah! I had to be saved myself first! And no one saves anyone: they can only love them completeley or as best as they can, and that is enough to be saved if God wants it so. Both my best friends as a teenager are now reputable doctors. One is an end of life doctor, and the other was a nephrologist. I really found it hard to crash in my early  career  in research in hospital (I was doing the social side of research, interviewing patients etc). I loved interviewing people on their quality of life, meds and medical conditions. At that time, around 24 years old, I did not have so much anxiety although I had had my first small crisis at 20. So being sick was so hard because I lost a promising career in medical research both as a research assistant and later coordinator of a research project at St Micheal's hospital in Toronto. Feeling unhelpful in society was super tough. Later, because of my mental health issues that aggravated when I stopped risperidone in 2005, I saw the real face of society: stupid people calling me  a crack head, despising me, insulting me etc...I totally rebelled against society and social manners after that.